My Baby Squeak passed away today and it literally may have been the hardest day of my life! I have been spending time with her and did not do any blogging / journaling I am realizing now again how hard this is going to be. Now, I wish I would have written more so I had a record of what happened week by week. I have her meds schedule and her medical reports for each day but I don't have a week by week recount and that makes me sad. So now I am going to try and describe what happened over the past months so you can understand my feeling and why I will be working on my sadness for some time.
After spending three days of spending time at California Vet Specialists in Carlsbad area and Murrieta, Squeak was diagnosed with Lymphoma on February 15, 2016. I chose to proceed with Chemotherapy treatment on her at California Vet Specialists (CVS). They have an oncology department there and Dr. Oligive, who is a well know pet oncologist, was very optimistic about her prognosis since it seemed the cancer was caught early. So for the next 26 weeks Squeak would be taking medications daily and receiving treatment.
During the time she was going to CVS she became such great friends with the people working there. She would talk with Michelle in the morning who would check her in. When I would come to pick her up they would tell me how much everyone loved her because when they walked by and said her name she would "squeak" at them. There was a few times where Squeak was upset with treatment and would hiss or bat at them with her paw but it was rarely. I remember one Tuesday her Vet Tech, Maggie, said she was in a bad mood and lunged at her. I felt so bad for both Maggie and Squeak. That same evening they told me that she always squirmed when they tried to pick her up and I asked if they were picking her up like a baby with her tail over their arm. They looked at me funny and said no, they were carrying her held close to their body but not like that. I explained that was the only way she liked to be carried and the next time I took her in Maggie carried her out of the back outside of her carrier just like Squeak likes to be carried a walked over to me. Three other Vet Techs followed Maggie out and just smiled as Squeak looked at me and lunged to my shoulder right away from Maggie's shoulder to mine. Everyone just laughed as she rubbed up against my neck and squeaked.
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| Squeak and Husky |
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| Baby Squeak on her heating blanket. Yes, she had her own. |
On Sunday, July 10th, I called Maggie to let her know that Squeak had not been eating and we arranged for her to come in at 9:00 am on Monday to be looked at by Dr. FitzPatrick. On Sunday evening, Squeak and I sat on the couch together and watched TV. We even folded laundry together, which was one of her favorite things. Iwould cover her with a warm towel fresh out of the dryer and she would lay there until it was the only thing left to be folded and when I would take it off of her she would "squeak" and look at me. On this Sunday she started at the back of the couch kneading my shoulders and rubbing her head against my neck and laying with her head on me. She then moved to siting beside me and we watched TV together and she put her chin on my leg. She was cuddled up next to me and whenever I stopped petting her, she pawed my leg to get me to start petting her again. She slept with me that night on the bed and got dressed with me in the morning and little did I know this would be the last time she would do these activities with me again.
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| Squeak covered with towel as she helps me fold laundry. |
At 12:30 pm, I wondered why I had not heard anything but I really thought it was because she was sleeping and all was well. At 3:00 pm, I got a call saying they wanted to run a blood test and do an ultrasound to check everything. They called back at 4:30 pm to ask to do a chest X-ray and told me she had been throwing up and there was some blood and her stool had blood in it as well and I told them this did not sound good and I was leaving right away. Dr. FitzPatrick told me he was worried about her and she was looking worse. I left immediately to go to the vet and on the way there, Dr. FitzPatrick called back to see how far out I was because he did not think she had much time left.
I got there and went strait in and they took me to the back and there was little Squeak wrapped up in a blanket with a heat lamp on and oxygen blowing in her face. I sat down next to her and just started petting her and loving on her. She looked so sweet wrapped up in the blanket and so sad at the same time. All I could think was this is the last time I am going to see my precious Squeak, talk with her, pet her, hold her, see her and touch her, I had been crying for the last 70 minutes and it looked like it was going to continue. I asked if I could hold her and they said yes but when I picked her up it put stress on her and she started gasping so I put her back down in the blanket and continued to hold her and love on her. The doctor told me that it looked like she had a leak in her intestines and she was becoming septic and therefore her body was shutting down. All I could think about was how much I loved this baby and what I was going to do without her. I wanted her out of her pain but I did not want to lose her. However, the decision had to be made to let her go and I had to make it.
They told me they would give her something to put her to sleep and then something to make her heart stop beating. They told me I could hold her as they put the meds in and I did, tightly! I told her how much I loved her, how thankful I was for her sleeping with me, waking up with me, sitting with me at all times, eating with me, getting dressed with me, I told her how much she meant to me that she went through NBC with me, finished a PhD and moved across the country with me. I thanked her for helping to train Husky to be a good kitty. I told Squeak I would miss her immensely and how I was going to struggle with her not being there when I got home in the evening waiting for me at the door. As I was holding her, he injected the medications into her port in her arm and she went to sleep, I could feel her relax and then he did the second medicine and gave her a minute or two as I was talking with her and checked her heart to let me know she was gone.
I just continued to hold her and cry, not believing the end had come and Squeak was gone. I think I must have sat there and held her for another hour with her. I know that she was gone but her body was still there and I just could not leave her alone. Even when I did leave the vet office, it killed me to leave her there to be put in the cold unit by herself. I could not stop crying as I left knowing that I was leaving her little body there and would never see, hold, kiss or hug her again!
I got home and could not stop crying, I just sat on the couch and cried. Ali and Katja came over and sat with me while I cried for the evening. I cannot thank them enough for being here with me. As they were about to leave, Ali moved the chair back to the table that I had for Squeak to get up on the counter and I just started crying again. It made me realize again, that she is gone and will not be hopping on the counter and walking around waiting for me to feed her. They left about 10:00 pm and it was time to face the first night without my Squeaky snugglebug in bed with me.
July 12, 2016
This morning started when I woke up without enough sleep and looked around for Squeak and began crying knowing she would not be there. It started when I woke up crying at 4:00 am and finally got up around 7:00 am again thinking and realizing that Squeak did not wake me at 5:00 am to let me know it was time to get up so I started crying again. I laid in bed and grieved for a bit thinking again about how Squeak will not be waking up next to me again. Husky was here with me trying to comfort me in her own way but I know that she not Squeak.
I made breakfast and sat down to eat and could only take a few bites and started crying because Squeak was not there with me to eat. Husky did not come out to eat breakfast together either. I went back to the bedroom to lay down and started crying again as I made the bed and wrap up the electric blanket that Squeak used to stay warm and to fold up the Lion King blanket Squeak always laid on. I laid in bed and just cried into her blanket and held it tightly. It was at this point that I realized that I could not stay at the apartment today. Everywhere I turned was Squeak and memories of her. Staying at the apartment was too much of a reminder! I thought about going to the movies but knew I would sit and cry. I thought about going to the beach but thought people would stare at me and I got burnt on Sunday so I did not need to be in the sun.
I took a shower and cried harder because Squeak was not there to sit on the bathmat and talk with me. I went out to feed Husky and Squeak was not there to talk with me and eat which made me cry as well. I laid back down thinking I needed to stay at the apartment and then began crying again. I decided to go ahead and go to work and stay in the office so that I could cry there quietly while still getting some things done.
The entire day was off and on crying. If anyone said anything about Squeak I would begin again and have to calm down. I worked on cleaning things and Ali and I did routine items with the Master Schedule and Board. I honestly do not remember much of the day because of how upset I was. I think it was pretty routine and I hope that I did not upset anyone. About the only thing I remember vividly is getting a phone call about not getting the Principal position that I applied for and went to second round interviews. There are pros and cons with not getting the position and I have thought them all out and weighed all my options in order to move forward. On the way home, my mentor called to talk with me about the situation which re-affirmed my thoughts about the pros and cons and moving forward.
The waterworks started again as I got to my exit. Thinking about going home and opening the door without Squeak there to meet me is hard and makes me extremely sad. She ALWAYS met me at the door whether it was in SC or in CA. She knew the sound of my car and would always be waiting at the door for me to come in and pick her up after being gone for the day. I hate to say that I came in and just sat on the floor and cried for a bit. I got myself together and cleaned up some around the apartment and tried to relax with Husky. We watched TV together and believe it or not Husky did come over and sit on the couch with me rather than on the other chair. As I got ready for bed and laid down, of course I began crying again because Squeaky use to come and sleep with me. I finally fell asleep hoping for a better day with a stronger head and heart.
July 13, 2016
Today was hard but a little better. The morning was tough again and I think the mornings will be hard for a long time to come. I looked at Facebook this morning to see all the kind words people said about Squeak and sending your thoughts my way. I truly appreciate the messages and words. For those of you who have called, I am sorry to have cried on the phone to you.
I talked with my mom this morning who reminded me that a lot of people would not understand the grief I am feeling right now. I have been thinking about that all day and thought I should probably try to explain if for no other reason to remind myself years from now when I look back on this as I remember my sweet little girl.
It was my third year teaching and Chris Griffin came to my classroom during the pre-service workday to let me know that he had to take Dale Nelson home the night before after football practice because there was a cat that went into the engine of the car and they could not get it out. Chris said that he picked Dale up on the way into work but that Dale was taking his car home so I had until after football practice to get the cat out from his engine or it would be killed on the way home. At lunch I went home and got a can of tuna and brought it back. I sat down next to the car and opened the tuna. I remember thinking that I was not sure if this was going to work but that if I leave the tuna the cat might come out and go away therefore be safe. I opened the tuna and to my surprise the cat came right out from the engine. She came and literally sat in my lap and ate the tuna. When she was done she just sat in my lap and purred. I picked her up and put her over my shoulder like a baby and she just "cried" / half meowed and I took her into the training room and put her in the storage area to take home with me at the end of the day after football practice.
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| Baby Squeak |
Squeak went to the vet a day later and got the clean bill of health. She also got her dose of flea / tick meds for her fleas and ear mites. She came home that night and that was the start of her always being near me. I look at it as Squeak chose me. She chose to sit in my lap, she chose to let me give her a bath, she chose me as her human. She was such a cute kitten who wanted to follow the older cats and do what they did but the minute that she saw me and I would talk with her she would "squeak," hence how she got her name!
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| Squeak Meowing about being in the car. |
She was my constant companion and got me through some really difficult times. During the years that I worked on my National Board Certification, she would sit on the table beside the notebooks as I worked. When I worked on my Admin Credential she sat with me during the projects that I had to do. When I started my classes for my doctorate, she was there every step of the way sitting on my books, papers, and transcribed documents as I analyzed data. She moved across the country with me and has sat with me during some of the saddest times of my life as well as the happiest!
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| A little blurry but one of my favorite pictures of Squeak helping me write a paper! |
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| Sleepy Squeaky |
Each day is a challenge and I know that Husky is at home still but tonight I left work at 8:00 pm avoiding being at home too long tonight without my cute little Squeak. I knew I would end up crying as I was coming home knowing I would be entering an apartment without my cute little Squeaky! As I entered the apartment there was a large fern like plant in my apartment that was delivered today. I had gotten a call earlier about a delivery and and I arranged for the apartment manager to deliver it to my apartment since I was not going to be at home. I figured it was from my mom but to my surprise, it was from Squeak's vet. I truly appreciate the gesture and will do my best to keep it alive.
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| From Squeak's Medical Team |
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| Beautiful Fern Plant |
Thank you again to everyone who has hugged me, called, texted or emailed to check on me. I know it can be uncomfortable because grief is hard to deal and you really don't know what to say to someone. I know it is also hard if you do not understand the relationship between a human and their fur baby. I truly appreciate all your love and support during this time and I promise it will get better but I honestly don't know if I will be able to talk about Squeak without a tear or two in my eye.
In closing
Squeak always took care of me as much as I did her. She chose the perfect time for everything in her own way. When she was diagnosed, I had been around for two months and was spending time with her and it was like she was telling me something was up. I was traveling a good bit but the vet she was going to was 24 hours and Katja and Ali were willing to stay with her at the apartment. While I stay busy, this semester I was able to spend more time with her at the apartment. This summer I chose not to do summer school or travel so I could be here for her. It was like she knew that I had the interviews and held up her chin and was strong for me. It was like she knew I was going to be at a wedding the weekend of the 16th out of town and Ali was going to be there and I would never want someone to have to take her to the vet. She knew that my mom would be staying with her while I was gone the first week of August and then school would get started. I truly wonder if Squeak knew this was her time and a good time for me to be able to grieve for her because she was always looking out for me as I was her.
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| My Baby Squeak and Me! |
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